Self-awareness can be liberating and it leads to new challenges. I think knowing my flaws, and knowing what my goals are, is leading me headlong into becoming the man I am meant to be. The road is long but not lonely. The task is enormous but not daunting. I know that when this year is up, I will not be near the end. I know that fifty years from now, I will still not be complete. I may be finished by then, but by no means complete. I have decided to approach my life the way a painter approaches the canvas, knowing that whatever I do, it will never be complete – only abandoned. This abandonment will take place when I am returned to the dust this crude matter that is my body came from.
This works out well for me because I am enjoying the process. I enjoy the challenge of improving myself. I appreciate that this process forces me to look in the mirror and be honest with myself. I enjoy listening to the voice of God in the early morning hours when the dog and I are the only ones awake in the house and the only sound comes from his feet on the tile floor, the ticking of the clock in the kitchen, the hum of the refrigerator, and the clicking of the keys beneath my fingers as I write. I enjoy knowing that when I complete this essay, I will write in my journal and read my bible and pray for a while. I enjoy knowing that I will have accomplished this before the rest of my house and most of the eastern seaboard has woken up. It is 4:26AM right now and all I hear is the voice of God.
I feel a calling in my life. One I am pursuing. I am confiding in the people I love and trust, one at a time, seeking guidance and support. But mostly, it is God who I am turning to. I am not trying to preach to you, I am sharing the profound, peaceful experience I am going through. I feel different every day. I feel better. I feel more complete than I ever thought possible (even as I know completeness is an unattainable goal.)
Ayn Rand said, “I am therefore I think.” This has become something of a mantra for me. I have always been a thinker of sorts. I have always been intellectually curious. I think this is now starting to really mean something in my life. It is starting to matter more than it ever has. Intellectuality is no longer a pointless exercise. I have never been one to sit in coffee shops engaged in ridiculous conversations about the meaning of life or other existential nonsense. I was always a pragmatist and my pragmatism is what is leading me now. Take a few minutes this morning or whenever you can, to think, or to not think, or to pray. Shut out the noise for a while and listen to the voice of God. It will be soft and silent and deep inside your being. You’ll hear it in the rustling of leaves and the barking of dogs. You’ll hear it in the laughter of children and in drops of rain. You won’t hear it on TV or on the radio. God doesn’t sound like Lady Gaga. God sounds like us. He sounds like life. He sounds like peace. He sounds like the answers you are seeking, even when you don’t know you’re seeking them.
- Adolfo
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